Questions and Answers

Thanks for writing me about the “outrage” you felt when your three-year-old son pointed a toy gun at you. Since you’ve asked directly, I’ll answer bluntly: yes, you’re overreacting. But you certainly aren’t the first mother to feel the way you do. I am often asked variations on this question by distressed moms. My favorite was the Quaker mother from Philadelphia, who told me that like any good Quaker she believed in peace and pacifism. Toy guns of any kind were completely banned from her house. Yet, one morning her son chewed his toast into the shape of a pistol and “shot” his brother with it.

Since the beginning of recorded time, little boys have enjoyed games in which they project their power into the world, and that means playing with “weapons.” I have no doubt that “cave” boys pointed sticks at each other in threatening ways, or chucked rocks at one another, or imitated the spear-throwing actions of their fathers. Once guns were invented, boys were bound to imitate them. You have to admit, such play has its evolutionary purpose; they are practicing their hunting.

Yes, you object, but why do boys shoot their mothers? My answer is that a boy’s mother gets to see everything he is proud of or excited about; she is his first and best audience. But why does he shoot at you? Doesn’t he love you? Yes, of course he loves you, and doesn’t really want to hurt you. He’s playing and he is quite confident that his actions won’t really hurt you. After all, he knows that it isn’t a real gun. He just wants to see you react to his imagined power.

When I was on safari in Africa years ago I watched two lion cubs pounce repeatedly on their mother’s tail, which she flicked repeatedly in order to tempt them. She was part of the fun; part of the training process. What is the human equivalent of turning apparently aggressive play against you into something fun? I’ve never heard a suggestion better than one my colleague, Larry Cohen, Ph.D., wrote about in his book, “Playful Parenting”. He suggests that if a child shoots you with a gun you say, “That’s a Love Gun and when you shoot me with it, I have to kiss you.” When your son shoots you with his toy gun, you jump up and chase him until you can grab him and kiss him. Do that a bunch of times and I assure you, the game will be transformed for you. You will begin to see it as play that you enjoy. Remember the 60’s motto: “Make Love, Not War.”

What I want to guarantee you is that there is no relationship between childhood make-believe gun play and actual adult violence. You don’t stop adult violence by banishing toy guns or objecting to boys’ play. That just confuses them. As the father of a peaceful, loving seventeen-year-old boy who has owned plastic guns, water guns, light swords and even a paintball gun, I can offer personal experience that this kind of gun play doesn’t lead to later aggression. I bet your husband played with toy guns when he was growing up and I bet he's not a violent gun-slinging man.

I may not have enough information to answer your question. At the very least, I'll have to ask you a lot of questions in order to figure out what's going on with your son. You describe him as a senior in high school. I presume that this would be the spring of his senior year, yet he hasn't yet applied to college. Did he not have a college counselor? Did he ignore her? Did he willfully refuse to apply to college when all his classmates were filling out their forms? If so, that's unusual and makes me wonder whether he is depressed. Usually, seniors apply to college even when they are uncertain about what they want to do simply because all their classmates are doing it. The peer pressure for going to college is pretty strong and hard to resist.

Is your son tired, irritable, abrasive, or full of despair? Does he express feelings of futility or worthlessness? I am concerned about suicidal feeling when a boy does not seem interested in the future. Does he seem angry with you a lot of the time? Are you having trouble communicating? If so, you might need to see a family therapist to sort out some issues before he can go off into the world.

You haven't told me whether your son has been a good student during his high school years. Sometimes very gifted students-and with an I.Q. of 155 your son is certainly in the 99th percentile, placing him among the very brightest young men on earth-are completely bored by school. He may have experienced himself as being smarter than most of his classmates and many of his teachers. Perhaps he doesn't look forward to college because school has been a huge disappointment to him.

I have other questions? Is he in love and afraid to leave a girlfriend? You mention that you live overseas; is he anxious about going to college on another continent? Has he been an anxious boy? Has he ever spent much time away from home? Does he like to travel? If not, do you think he is afraid of being homesick?

I want to ask questions about his friendships, whether he has trusting relationships with adults outside the family, whether there are tensions at home, like an impending divorce, that might cause him to want to stay home to keep an eye on things. All I can say in conclusion is that it doesn't sound to me as if your son is simply having trouble launching. There is something going on in his mind, and it is serious.

I can understand your discomfort at suddenly finding yourself reading a sex scene to your sixth-grade son. That isn't what most parents imagine as bedtime reading when they open the book. However, such scenes are common in what is called Young Adult reading, and your son is getting very close to adolescence. I think you picked up a book advertised as "the new 'Catcher in the Rye'" because you recognized that he is growing up. You were hoping to keep him engaged and willing to maintain the night-time reading ritual by picking a book with an adolescent theme. Had you forgotten what adolescents find edgy and exciting?

You've got three decisions to make: 1) whether to keep reading "King Dork" with your son, 2) how to talk with him about the scene you read together, or 3) whether to keep reading to him at night as he grows up. I recommend that you stay with the book, but you should read way ahead in the book so you won't get surprised again. That will certainly make the book less exciting to you, but will enable you to finish it with him without an unexpected embarrassing surprise. If there is another sex scene, you can decide whether you want to read it together, or you can let him read it on his own.

In either case, I hope it leads to a talk between the two of you about sex and relationships. I can assure you that all sixth-graders are talking about relationships with the opposite sex; that's a staple of middle-school conversation. Many of them are thinking about the importance of sex, even if they are not yet actually imagining have it; many already have a masturbatory life.

I believe that you should and could use this book as a chance to talk about sex. Some good first questions might be: Are students in your grade talking about being girlfriend and boyfriend? What do you think about that? Do you know any boys who have kissed a girl? When do you think kids should first have sex? Have you had any sex education in school? Do you think you know everything that you need to know?

You might buy him a book like Robie Harris's "It's Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex, and Sexual Health," if you haven't already purchased a sex education book for him. It is funny and accurate and the illustrations are compelling.

Finally, I hope you continue your bedtime reading ritual as long as he will let you. Find some classics, things he wouldn't read on his own, but that are still exciting for boys: "The Red Badge of Courage" or maybe Robert Louis Stevenson. Check with the town or school librarian or buy the guide, "Best Books for Boys: A Resource for Educators," by Matthew Zbaracki. There are many books that the two of you will find exciting and that won't suddenly embarrass you. Sexuality tends to make parents and children a little nervous in each other's presence. That's normal. Keep reading together. He can start reading books with sexual themes on his own time.

When I read your question all I could think was: Thank goodness two-year-olds aren't six feet tall! And thank goodness they don't stay two (and three) forever!

Helping boys manage their anger is a HUGE issue for many mothers whose sons are between ages two and four. Why is that? Typically, not because there is something wrong with their sons, not because their sons are particularly full of anger. It is because their wishes are so strong, their capacity to bear frustration is so low, and their level of uninhibited aggression is so high. Human beings—both boys and girls—are at their least controlled and least apologetic around the age of two. They can lash out with their screams, their words, their hands and their feet. They can seem incredibly powerful. Under these circumstances, saying, “hitting hurts” or something like “That’s not nice,” just won't cut it. They need to be managed.

It is very important that you do not allow your son to hit you. If he tries to hit you, grab his arms firmly (not harshly) pin them to his sides, raise your voice and say, “Don't hit me! You may not hit people!” Get right in his face and say it with strength and power, conveying how upset you are by his behavior. This may make him cry. That’s okay, because your distress will be upsetting for him. That’s an early form of empathy. If he then tries to kick you, wrap him up in a bear hug—this is called a “therapeutic hold”—taking control over his arms and legs until he has cried himself into a calm state. You won't have to do this many times, but you need to do it until he learns that hitting is not the solution and that you are big enough to control him when he cannot control himself. Though many people spank or hit boys at a time like this, I do not think it is a good idea. If you hit your son, you might lose control and become abusive. In any case, all you are teaching is that hitting is the right solution, and that the bigger person hits the hardest.

Wrapping him up and holding him teaches him that you won't allow him to hurt anyone—not himself and not you. While you are holding him, just continue to talk soothingly to him, saying, “I know you can feel really mad when things don't go your way (when I don't let you have candy, when you want a toy your friend has), but I'm not going to let you hurt people.” And then tell him that you know when he gets bigger he'll be able to control himself, because all big boys do.

More than anything he wants two things in life: to have you love him and to be a big boy. So if you tell him that you have confidence that he is going to grow into a self-controlled boy, he will experience your trust and the love in your voice. I guarantee you that if you do this for six more months, he will start to develop more self-control. If you want to read further about the therapeutic hold, I discuss it in the “Wild Thing” chapter of my book, It’s a Boy! Write me back if he is still behaving like this at three and a half years old. I bet he won't be.

A little boy who loses concentration at circle time? That's normal. A three-year-old who runs from station to station in preschool? That's expected too. You ask if I have any suggestions about what to do so a three-year-old boy will listen better? I absolutely do. Wait until he's five, or seven, or seventeen...or twenty-three. A short attention span is perfectly normal in a three-year-old boy. Boys of this age tend to be very physical; though their behavior varies according to temperament-not all boys are equally restless-most boys this age tend to be interested in anything and everything, and not for too long. So, I'm on the side of your pediatrician. It is much too early to diagnose your son. It is much too early to worry.

The worries of your son's teacher seem odd to me because they don't have a developmental perspective. She says that if he is still this way at five-and-a-half he's going to have trouble in kindergarten. Well, of course. If you behave like a seventh-grader when you get to high school, you are going to get in trouble; and if you are as disorganized as a ninth-grade boy when you get to college you might flunk out. That's obvious. But most of the time people grow up in the way they are supposed to grow up. Five-year-olds act in a much more mature way than three-year-olds because they are five. By kindergarten age a boy will have a longer attention span, will spend longer time at the different stations in the room, and he is likely to listen better than he did at three.

I agree with your judgment that your son's teacher is either overwhelmed by the number of boys in her group, or she is simply intolerant of normal boy activity levels. By school age, three-quarters of the boys in any class are more physically active than the girls. Only one-quarter of boys are as calm as the girls. The teacher should be accustomed to that, and should have more confidence in boy development. If you can do it gently, it might be a help to her to say, "We checked with our pediatrician and she says our son is completely normal for his age, that it is way too early to diagnose him." Perhaps that will help the teacher to understand boys better, or at least make her hesitate to diagnose a boy and scare his parents.

Before I address the particulars of Sandy's, situation, and the reasons why he might be stealing and lying right now, let me say that all children lie sometimes, particularly when they are confronted by their parents with wrong-doing. It is also the case that a majority of children cheat in certain situations and most experiment with taking things that don't belong to them. (Didn't you or your husband ever steal something as a child?) Children lie and steal for six main reasons:

• They are big enough to try something new and they now have the cognitive ability to maintain two different realities in their brains: the true story and the made-up story. Being able to deliberately choose to lie is exactly evidence of mental development. (Small children make up "tall tales" because they cannot yet distinguish between reality and fantasy).
• Lying, stealing and cheating are a way of exercising power in the world, and all human beings like to feel powerful.
• Kids get overwhelmed by their feelings, by yearning and envy for something they really want, like a rare Pokemon card, and don't know how to arrange to get it except by stealing.
• Children under ten years old do not yet have the levels of moral judgment to understand the underlying reasons for rules and laws, so they try to circumvent them.
• Children lie to their parents to avoid feelings of shame and to try, sometimes desperately, to make sure their parents keep loving them.
• Finally, some children lie because they see their parents telling "white lies" a lot and they sometimes see their parents take things that don't belong to them.

Even if lying and stealing are normal childhood behaviors, you are right to be a bit concerned about your son because he is under some internal pressure right now. His behavior has changed and your punishments haven't stopped his behavior. So, what's going on? Has he suddenly become an entitled boy? Is this evidence of his being spoiled? I don't believe so, but what you tell me about his school situation tell me that he is feeling sad, envious and angry inside. Sad, because he has lost his friends at school; confused because he has also lost some status in school; envious because he thinks his only friend has so much more than he does, and angry, because he doesn't know how to feel good about himself again and his parents won't let him use his own money to restore his good feelings about himself.

I don't believe that he just "doesn't want to play" football at recess. My guess is that he gets frightened during the games or worries that he is not good enough, or that something has happened in the group of boys in second grade. Perhaps a powerful boy has emerged in the group and he doesn't like Sandy. Perhaps he has pushed Sandy out of the group. That is not something Sandy would tell you voluntarily, because he likely feels ashamed about what happened (if it happened as I imagine).

Sandy is now down to only one friend, and my guess is that that boy boasts about his money and possessions to make himself feel better; unfortunately, his boasting is making Sandy feel worse; it is making him wish he had more stuff. Unfortunately, he has no way to get it because his mom and dad, for reasons of principle, won't let him use his own money to buy things he really values. Collecting cards such Pokemon or baseball cards has been a traditional way of eight-year-old boys building their self-esteem for as long as I can remember. It helps them build memory and negotiating skills.

My suggestions are to check with his teacher about what has happened with the boys' group in second grade, start arranging (or at least supporting) one-on-one play dates with some of his former friends-and, perhaps, with their parents as well. Finally, you should allow him to use some of his money to buy cards and candy. After all, we all like the freedom to use our money the way we see fit. What's the point of having money if we can't ever spend a bit of it on indulgences?

First of all, congratulations! You are in for an adventure, a learning experience and a lot of fun. All you need is a loving heart and an open mind. As for boys being a handful, all children are a handful! I have a friend who says, "All human beings are more or less impossible." I think that is true (it certainly describes me). That's why we all need families who love us.

You already have one important key to parenting a boy: your vision of him growing up to be a good man. In the years ahead, think of what you've liked or loved about the good men in your life your husband, your father, a favorite uncle or grandfather or friend-and speak openly of those qualities with your son. Be attentive to your son's own attributes, too, and let him know that you see him growing into a fine young man. Love the boy you got.

Please don't think about boys as a problem: don't brace yourself for their energy or their competitiveness. Embrace it all. Play with your son. Read to him. Sing to him. Laugh with him. Listen to him.

For a mother, raising a son means you'll get as close as one can get to crossing the lines of gender. You'll get to see the world through your son's eyes, and the world won't look the same. Mothers get to be adored by their sons, and that is really fun. You son will open your eyes, broaden your knowledge, and help your sense of humor. I guarantee it.

Time outs are a time-honored parental response to a child's misbehaving ways. I have recommended them and have used them with my own children. But they do not work with all children, nor do they work for children of all ages. Your son may be too young for a time-out. It may panic him to be away from you when you are angry with him. The fact that his misbehavior escalates after you announce the time-out suggests to me that he is experiencing some separation anxiety from you. The idea of being in his room alone may be more than he can bear at the age of four. How big is your house? How far away is his room? Does he panic when you give him other kinds of punishments?

Mastering anger is a very big issue for four- and five-year-old boys. They often greet our authority with confrontation, puffing their chests or shouting in an effort to bowl us over. Their ferocious behavior often successfully hides the fact that they are scared. Boys experience the same need for attachment and nurturance that girls do at the same age. A time-out can be scary for a boy if he believes he is being abandoned or that you have withdrawn your love. I have known boys who have been deeply frightened to be sent to their rooms; it feels like exile to them.

Sometimes we get fooled by boy bravado and we give them punishments that are terrifying for them, but they cannot tell us how scared they are because they want to act tough. I think that's what is happening with your son. I recommend you keep him with you and put him to work. In the kitchen, have him mopping floors, scrubbing something. Wherever you need to be, give him some safe, hard work to do. Stay at his side and let this community service activity you require of him absorb some of his wild energy. Boys of all ages respond to punishments that require them to do something. It calms them down. Doing something for his mother, a reparative act, mobilizes a boy's desire to please in a way that exile or detention does not. Perhaps I'm only writing this because I wish that instead of spending hours in detention in school, as I did, I had been asked to dig post holes or wash kitchen floors. Making amends and honest labor bring out the best in a boy.

One of the difficulties men face when they become fathers-no matter what kind of discipline they experienced in their families-is that they have not had enough practice dealing with the activity level and willfulness of small children. Most women have had some experience as babysitters when they were younger, or with their friends' children before their own arrive. Women tend to have more and better strategies for dealing with the stubborn defiance of young children. Men are often surprised at how helpless they can be made to feel, and they are humiliated by how angry they become at a four-year-old. People often think men are without compassion or don't want to deal with problems, when, in fact, a man may be struggling to manage his own internal level of distress.

The best part of what your husband is doing is that he is separating himself from your son before he loses his temper and makes matters worse. You resent his abandonment of you; he may think you're the better parent and resent your competence in comparison to him. It would help if you two could acknowledge how lonely, scary and difficult parenting can be and let one another know that you both need help. You need relief. He needs strategies. Here are a few that others have found helpful:

• He could spend enjoyable time with his son when there is no pressure or deadline to get out the door. Purely playful time together, or reading or chatting at bedtime may help him keep more stressful moments in calmer perspective.
• Ask friends or other parents of active young boys for practical tips. It will be a relief for your husband to hear that other fathers struggle the same way, and see that couples can find effective ways to work on it together. Share some of the strategies that you've found helpful with your son at difficult times, and brainstorm with your husband about ways he might adapt those strategies to make his own.
• Develop a collaborative tag-team system so you can give your son to your husband when you're feeling resentful and he can give his son back to you when he feels overwhelmed. Most likely, when your son sees you two working together, he'll more easily give up his oppositional behavior.
• In the early evening, when you both still have some energy, debrief each other about the highs and lows of your son's day, or your day with him. Share your impressions. Try to laugh about it when you can. Isn't it amazing and ridiculous that children can make us feel so powerless? But it happens to everyone.

When a boy is the only "man in the house" he is almost certainly going to be mature for his age in comparison to other boys of the same age and, as a result, he is going to be a bit more demanding of respect. As long as he is not obnoxious about wanting his maturity seen you can freely acknowledge that he is pretty grown up. It is hard to see how it could be different in your house because, as you say, he is your confidante and partner in many things. I don't know if you have younger children, but in situations with a single mom and an oldest boy, he often gets to share in the parenting duties, and that makes him like-what else?-a parent and a peer to his mother. When I visited South Africa I met a lot of boys and girls whose parents had died of AIDS. They were raising their younger siblings at age twelve and thirteen. Young children can take huge responsibilities if they have to.

You didn't mention your son's age. It doesn't matter, because the fact that remains that he is still a kid precisely because he has a mother at home, an adult to watch out for him. And because there is a grown-up there he doesn't have to make some decisions. It would be helpful to him if you would make it clear in advance that there are two categories of decisions: ones that are going to be yours alone and ones are going to be joint decisions. Simply say, "Honey, though it may be confusing at times, there are decisions which an adult should make and others which a mom and son can make together. If we are going to move to a new house or take a new job, I need your advice because we're sharing a life, but when it comes to the usual kid stuff like curfew, homework, sleepovers, I need to make the decisions, because that's what all parents do, and even though I rely on you as the "man of the house' sometimes, and other times I just need to be a parent."

Tell him this in calm, quiet moments, not at the moment of decision-making. He'll appreciate the advance warning and can adjust his reaction based on the kind of decision you tell him it is going to be.

Oh, I know this boy. I have seen him in many forms over the years. He is yearning for success and afraid of failure. He is tied in knots because his performance in school does not live up to his intelligence or his image of himself as being a boy in control. The problem here isn't just math. The problem is his developing as a learner, developing strategies for dealing with frustration and feelings of ignorance. Math is only one of this boy's worries. He is struggling to develop into a dogged, courageous student. Such students are made, not born, and there aren't a lot of ninth-grade boys who have developed into steady, resilient students. Their self-esteem and personal discipline are too erratic for that.

What adults forget about school is how exposing it is to learn something new and how humiliating it is to make mistakes in public. Stop and think. When was the last time you were required as part of your job, to do something inpublic that required mastering material you knew nothing about? When was the last time you your boss handed you back a report marked up in red ink? When was the last you got a grade on a piece of paper-in front of all your co-workers? Most adults avoid experiences like that. Children are put in embarrassing positions in school every day. It is so routine that we forget how painful it can be. This boy is smart enough to do the math; he needs to learn how to support himself emotionally when he does it. You can help.

I suggest that you talk with him. Ask him whether he knows how smart he is in math. Does he feel smart in your class? If not, why not? What happens when he tries to do the work at home? Is it too frustrating? Is there some other reason he isn't finishing that homework? Tell him you see how much he wishes to do well. Tell him that you see his frustration. If you've seen boys like him get the hang of advanced math after a tough start, tell him so. That's encouraging. Ask him if there is any way you can make math more accessible to him, but be wary of asking, "How can I help?" The idea that he "needs help" can make him feel like a loser. He'd rather see this as a matter of developing strategies for success-something winners do-and he'll be right.